After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Holy moly
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
What the hell happened here.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me