I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
WTF IS THAT!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails