Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.