A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
love it when they get my name right
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If you know, you know
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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