who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.