“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car