Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?