It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Hell yeah 👍
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.