OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
You Might Also Like
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I never needed anything more in my life
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
mood
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
not for long
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?