I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
AM I BEING GASLIT????
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword