*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first