Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I can also cook 😂
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation