I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.