Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*