People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.