Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?