Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Basically.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.