To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms