If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Woke up against my better judgment again
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.