Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.