It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”