The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
OKAY DAD
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*