My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When they try to steal your moment.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.