Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Jesus Christ lmao
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
idk flipping houses looks really hard
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.