[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Dolls on drugs
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*weighs self after shaving
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs