*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.