Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Day 2 of my diet
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.