It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby