Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”