Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
2022: I can fix it
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
#Caturday
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
your elf on the shelf was delicious