Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more