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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.