*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You Might Also Like
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.