Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I occasionally drink every single night.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Your secret is safeish with me
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME