Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!