GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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screw you
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The struggle is real.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Growing up was a huge mistake
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else