its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
This story is comedy gold 😂
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big