[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.