[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
You Might Also Like
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
They’re not wrong
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Does beer think about me too?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.