Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…