Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.