Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I feel attacked.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
How times have changed.