if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
They did not think through this water fountain
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee