If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Poetry is my passion
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]