Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Cool shirt 🙂
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!