My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]