By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You Might Also Like
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything