when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
You Might Also Like
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Driving in Europe vs Canada
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.