Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I think I’ll stand
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.