“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…